I’m really sorry if you didn’t get into the school or schools you wanted.
I’m sorry because I know how hard you worked. Fuck this shit about *entitlement* or whatever; we both know that’s not what this is. You were never an ethereal snow angel manifest destined for greatness. You’re a teenager who really wanted something—more than anything you’ve ever wanted in your life. You didn’t just want it; you took active steps over a sizable percentage of your time on Earth to try and get it. You spent very real time and made very real sacrifices to try and achieve something bigger than you. And then you didn’t achieve it. To tell you that this isn’t a big deal is to directly imply that you are a fucking moron to have ever acted like it was in the first place.
You will fail again in life, but it will never quite be like this. The reason is there isn’t any other life event that quite matches college admissions. Sure, you could not get the job or find out the girl or guy doesn’t love you, but it’s hard to think of a scenario for either of those two in which you spent the past four years trying to achieve that specific goal. All I’ve got is grad admissions, weird corporate fantasy positions that don’t actually work like that, and running for president. Likewise, life can and will take from you. I’m sure many of you already know that. But to take implies you had it to begin with. This is just…
It fucking sucks. And I’m sorry that it happened to you.
—-
Is this OK? I’ve been on this board nonstop for a year now, and no one ever says this. It’s always platitudes about school not defining you and making your own future and all that shit. And not a single Goddamn person reading it feels better afterward. Because it’s hollow nonsense. You are on the applying to college subreddit. Our patron saint is named Dartmouthsimp. This shit absofuckinglutely defines you. If it didn’t, you wouldn’t have worked so hard for it, and my friend wouldn’t have asked me today how “The Barnard girl is doing”. Fine, thanks.
Right now, you’re “didn’t get into X” or maybe “Got into X, but very clearly wanted Y.” That’s pretty much what defines you. And that’s why it hurts so bad.
And that’s OK. You’re allowed to hurt. If you take absolutely nothing else from this piece or any other pick-me-up hooraw you hear or read again, please take this because I mean it with every fiber of my being: This fucking sucks and you are allowed to feel however you want to feel.
—-
But that’s the fun thing about definitions. They change. You know me as College With Mattie. Twelve years ago, I was depressed because I didn’t try hard enough for USC Mattie. Eight years ago, I was plucky Tulane grad writer Mattie. Four years ago, I was unemployed drunk with no cat Mattie. All super real definitions of me. And living through some of those definitions fucking sucked, too. But do you see me as any less knowing that I wasn’t always like this? Or do you think it’s cool that I made it here anyway?
Iono, I’m rambling. I think I hit it pretty hard a bit above. Here’s all I want you to know:
This fucking sucks and you are allowed to feel however you want to feel. But I’m still proud of you and can’t wait to see what else your life holds in store. I also think you’re neat.
– Mattie